Immersed in the reflection in the mirror, my conscience travels back, feeling an attraction to my past I can’t comprehend . Almost like an obsession to be closer and never let go. I look into the story my eyes reveal and reflect on what I could have been. Missing my old self, my purity and obliviousness as I become my most critical judge and start to wander back. Analyzing my every decision as an inherent depiction of my current self. Were the choices that led me here the correct ones?
As I drifted from my ideal self I slowly but, surely gave up on myself and now I’m here. Not knowing if I’m the one to be or the one to forget. Feeling insignificant to my own life with no real desire to change it at all. Feeling low on my own accord and, letting my vestige idealistic desires whittle away to turn into self induced delusions.
Was I naive? or was I brave? To be honest maybe a little of both. Maybe, I’m just a courageous fool trying to not be left behind in this game called life. Now I’m just a dunce breaking apart and drowning in my regrets. Even when unconscious of what I regret , pangs of remorse invade my soul.
I lost everything having nothing to lose. Away from the idealistic persona I yearned to build I lost myself into a unamiable illusion . As I ran away from my tangible reality and, hid into an abstract mirage I understood, I’m a coward. This cowardice that emerges from the roots of my soul is intended to safe me from my own reality yet it also brings my complete demise.
Deep down I knew the moment I drifted away from my idealistic self that I was about to regret my every subsequent decision. My life is only this one yet, did I know that? Somehow I feel I didn’ understand this very simple concept. Ignoring my own mortality I disregarded my reality as if it was a fairy tail and moved on with a self-delusional tale that replaced my actuality. Being consumed by this constructed reality where any reject towards me was not existent, I became absolute.
Such an imprudent thought I had. Quite the miserable person I am indeed. I lost my friends, my family and, even my lover. No one could stand my delusional persona. Somehow I’m still here, struggling to find my place in this cruel reality. I self-dealt a losing hand in this game and have lost all my chips but, my life. Today I’ll resign my fate and play with my life on the line. I can’t continue to be like this, lost in the affliction of my decisions.
This pathetic life would be hilarious to watch from the stands. Such blatant mistakes provoking poignant sentiments deep in my soul. This feelings of dismay towards my own non-delusional self conquers the glass fortress of my already destroyed soul. I may lose even my life however, I’ll bet it all for a sole chance of redemption. Failure is certainly assured. This life of mine might never become a realization worth talking about, it may as well become lost in the infinity of time.
I’m not afraid for I know this may be a self-dealt punishment. I never wanted to be that heart-broken friend just wondering what life has for himself. I never thought I’ll be the one to destroy my marriage. I wouldn’t have imagine staying on the street all alone and, knowing that I have no-one to count on. I’m absolutely alone. I never wanted to feel all I do today however, I now realize I may be doomed to finish this life of mine in a unfathomable condition.
Maybe one day I’ll be reborn and be graced with this memories. Ready to not commit these same mistakes and find the freedom I never had.
Textual Tensions 