Wishing all my time away I just glare at the pavement layered down by my delusional decisions. An everyday routine in which my existence is negligible, and my mind goes completely blank. Just how many days have passed? As if my conscient flow of time is just gone. A month, an hour, or a minute is all the same at this point. Just another concept I can no longer grasp. I wonder “how much longer I have left?”, “How much longer I must bear this eternal silence”.
Always cold now, I yearn for some warmth, no matter the form. All I need is someone, juts to exchange some words. Just a connection if even for some seconds. I can’t even remember those I used to love. I guess, I truly deserve to be here. Locked up in eternal confinement where my own tormenting voices eat away my rational self.
Looking around in this darkness for anyone to assure “It’s not your fault” yet, I know it truly is. I’m here forever contained in this hopeless abyss. I know I’m not a good man. I loathe my existence and the very moment I was born into this world. I’ve decided to reject this reality and to live a delusional fantasy where my justice is the universal law.
I remind myself of what I lost that night and, I just have one regret. I didn’t lose my life. I’ve been condemned to this life of misery. I don’t regret my sin even though it has caused me so much pain. As I follow the ticking sound of the clock, I feel my end coming near. I soon find myself consumed by the agony of my past and realize that I engulfed myself in selfish vengeance. Not for anybody, not for an ideal, not for self-justice but, to satisfy my horrid curiosity.
As I feel the syringe pierce deep into my veins, I finally understand the frailty of my existence. As the warmth expands thru my body, I recall the tender touch of my mother and the caring voice of my lover. As this warmth turns to fire, I drop a tear in the name of the ones I killed asking for their forgiveness although, I don’t want it for myself. As the fire in my veins melts my life away, I replay the moments I was dressed in love and carried happiness. As the scythe claims my life for once and for all I vanish into complete oblivion.
Maybe this is the right way for my meaningless story to end. In here isolated from the world I’ll rot away and merge into nothingness. This is how it should be for a man like me who rejected reality and constructed its own. I decided to play as a god in my own delusional world twisting it to my selfish universal law.
Textual Tensions 